Kigali, Rwanda
I finished my journal today. I mean that I ran out of pages and, luckily, I had a backup. There’s something about a new Moleskine- the smell, like the library smell has spoiled, the crisp pages, and the unscathed black cover. These qualities are all the more noticeable in comparison. My old one with its broken spine and yellowed pages smells the same with the hints of over usage- ink, mold from the rainy days, and dirt from the leaves flattened between the pages.
Finishing something like that can be profound. I’ve had this journal since high school. Part of that is because I hardly ever find time to journal in the States especially when I’m in school, and as a result more than half of it has been filled since I came to Rwanda in January. Going back and reading the things I wrote three years ago was a cathartic experience; it was funny too, to read the adolescent angst of those formative years. Seeing how I’ve changed and grown from my own perspective in my own tiny scribbles got me thinking about the road that has brought me to where I am- In a tiny room with too many clothes and a bed that’s too big in Kigali, Rwanda, I’m here for the summer. I stay up too late and wake up too early- weird bars and political discussions with the volume all the way up. Clothes and shoes and luggage cover the already inadequate floor space of my living quarters. My white brick walls remain bare. The red paint on the concrete floor is chipping. My door squeaks if I don’t close it all the way and I only have two books on my shelf.
Regardless of the mess, life is getting more normal now, whatever normal means in my life. I have routines and regular places. Trivia night is Monday. I went to my favorite café on Sunday and stayed there for four hours drinking macchiato and African and masala teas from tiny white pots. I took my shoes off and lounged back on the big couches and smoked cheap Rwandan cigarettes while I wrote in my journal like I was Hemingway or Camus or something. Friday night routines are becoming regular, alongside the consequent Saturday morning ones. And I've developed my reading list:
Indivisible Human Rights by Whelan
Outlines on the Philosophy of Right by Hegel (I just have to finally finish it)
and also books that I need to read more thoroughly than I did the first time:
Disgrace by Coetzee
The Politics of Land Reform in Africa by Manji
The River Between by Ngugi wa Thiong’o
It’s not long, but the books (mainly the first two) are going to be time and thought consuming for at least a month. Listen to me. Where does summer go in adulthood? Can’t I just find a sprinkler and make mojitos all day and run around and pull shenanigans? I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m supposed to do as a 20-something, revert to my childhood and drink and do everything I can to stay out of trouble. And read. My parents keep telling me that I need to get a regular summer job next time around, and maybe I will, just so I can do those things. And then I think about how bored I get without travel and accomplishment and mental challenges. I guess I could pick up a hobby and go on a road trip, but everything sort of pales in comparison to working at the largest government institution in Rwanda and backpacking Europe. Working in a Starbucks or Wal-Mart seems like a joke I might make about consumerism, not serious career prospects. I guess that’s the paradox of aging- nostalgia and ambition.
Reading through my journal, I saw a lot of both, probably more nostalgia than ambition. And as I walk home from work in setting sun, I look over the hills of Kigali, covered in multi-colored rooftops. In my slacks and tie, all I can think about is walking across a hot grass lawn and stepping into an ice-cold puddle of hose water, my shoulders on fire from the blazing Arkansas sun. Goosebumps run up my leg and cars drive slowly by in the street, almost as if the heat makes them lazy too. And as a moto-taxi whizzes past me, I’m jolted back to Rwanda soaking up the beauty of summer like an adult- in slacks and a tie. There’s something in that to be happy about too. I’ll never get back that form of my youth, and I’m nostalgic about that. But I have something better now- ambition.
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